I want to fly away and just be a cloud, far away from everything. I am so tired of my life and nobody listening to me. And I know how this works: I post about wanting to commit suicide, and a bunch of people will say not to with no other reasons than "It will get better" or "You'll make other people sad" or "You have so many reasons to live". I really don't.
The thing is, I've both wanted and not wanted to commit suicide since third grade. I always hear how selfish it is, how people who attempt suicide just want attention. Well, if that were the case, why wouldn't I have told somebody by now? My pain is unbearable, and I know that if I attempt suicide, I'll get it right. There's no going back.
Why am I so damn suicidal? It started with my dad's drinking problem, got worse with my parents' divorce. One housefire, discovery of my father's pot habit and mom's new drinking one, my mom's d-bag boyfriend, and my friends ignoring me later, and I'm on the edge.
I hate it when the people around me don't care. My dad is too baked to care. My mom is to busy at work and banging her white-collar know-it-all of a boyfriend. The few friends I have are too busy with their own "problems": sports injuries, a D on a math test, and their parents yelling at them.
So I'm thinking more seriously of suicide than ever. I used to write the pain away, or paint it, but Prozac has taken away my creativity. Besides, my pain is just too much now. Unless I have a huge change of heart, I'll probably slit my wrists or jump in front of a car.