It didn't really feel like Christmas this year anyways...

[PGHS-387]

October 1st to December 29th. Exactly 90 days as best as I can count. I thought we were more than that, but I guess not.

My first girlfriend, my first love, I thought I gave 100% of myself to her and to everything that we were. I sure as heck tried to. Our love was all that I'd ever known when it comes to love. It sure wasn't like what the rest of my life is. It was caring, understanding, loving...what I thought a real mutual relationship was. Nothing like what my home life is.
I'd purposefully not gotten involved in any kind of relationship prior to this because when it felt right I wanted it to last...I know forever might have been a bit much, but I wasn't in it just for fun. I was in this for real. I wanted it to mean something when it happened...that's why I waited so long. I wanted it to really mean something.

I thought it would be something special. I suppose it was in a way I guess...my first kiss, my first dance, my first time ever telling someone that I loved them. All of that stuff that I had never said or done because I wanted to save it for someone really special.
I just thought it would last more than 90 days...I realize that at only 17 forever is pushing it, and that only after 90 days of being an official couple it probably wasn't right of me to think that way, but I still had this hope in the back of my mind. I wouldn't have opposed the idea.
We had talked about it a few times. She wanted to go into the Navy, I said I would gladly wait for her. I wanted (and still do want) to go to college and she backed me 100%. We had said at one point that maybe after she got out of the Navy we could quit this whole "we're dating" stuff and get married. I guess that won't happen though.

So what ultimately ended it all? Well apparently;

"It just felt too fast, I need time, I cant rush into this. I'm so sorry."

So that's it. At least it wasn't a bad breakup...at least I don't think it was. She said we can still talk and she'd still like me to sit with her at lunch. Says we can still be close and we can still be friends but I have this suspicion that this is probably the beginning of the end for us. Not the metaphorical "us" as in relationship "us" but "us" as in any-kind-of-friendship-that-we-used-to-have "us."

I'll probably survive this and eventually move on, but it was the suddenness that still has me wondering. I thought everything was great, but then one of those "we need to talk" phone calls later and it's over.
I loved her and hope she knew that. She said she loved me too and I guess I thought I knew that.
I told her once...I said, "See baby? See what a woman can do to a guy? You get into our hearts and look what happens...we just fall head over heels in love with you."
She just smiled and melted my heart with those hazel eyes...

Oh well. I guess I'll pick up the pieces of my heart, put my shattered dreams in my back pocket, and just continue on.
After all, what else is there to do anyways?

I guess the only thing I need to think about now though is how in the world to I tell this to my "all-so-loving" parents...

[Elphie.QE.MDXXXIII]

I'm sorry this girl broke your heart the way she did, especially after all you did for her. If the relationship was as great as you say, maybe she didn't feel mature enough to get into a relationship you thought would last forever. Not that she didn't want to be with you, but since you said that after the Navy and school, you could get married, she could have gotten cold feet. And maybe it's for the best. Imagine if years later when you were going to get married and she decided she didn't want to marry you. That would have been worse than ending it after a few months. God bless you ! I pray that the girl you are meant for, who will love you and be ready to commit when you are comes your way soon!

[PGHS-387]

I just don't know...
All of the times that we talked about the future she seemed really open. She was actually the one that mentioned marriage after the Navy and college. I had told her that I'd gladly wait for her if she wanted me to and to that I got an emphatic "yes." I'd even told her once something like, "well maybe in 10-15 years or whatever we can think about it more" to which she said, "10-15 years?! You'll be out of college by then and I'll be out of the Navy. Why wait that long? I'll only be in the Navy for 2 years...why not more like 5 years or so? That will be plenty of time."
I guess I might have made a bad mistake by thinking it would last, and I hope I didn't chase her away with that, but based off of the conversations we'd had I thought it was a little bit more serious than it turns out to have been.

Our church is hosting a New Years party of sorts where the kids in the congregation (it's a small church so there's only maybe 15 kids) are staying overnight Friday night into Saturday morning. I'm still planning on going and she said she was too so I guess I'll just have to wait and see how that goes.

This is also probably a really bad thing to be thinking right now considering the circumstances but when we were talking she mentioned just needing some time to slow down and think about things. She said that maybe we got into a relationship a bit too fast and that she'd really like to have some time to just think about things. I know it's probably bad to think this but I want so bad to ask her if there's any chance of a future relationship between us....maybe just the chance to take a break, think things over and possibly "start over" (for lack of better terms) and see how things go from there. I know it's probably a bad thing to ask right now so I probably won't ask her but it's just one of those burning questions I wish I had the answer to.

[Elphie.QE.MDXXXIII]

It's not "bad" to want to ask that. It's just that asking if she thinks you two have a future could make things...well, pretty awkward again. Wait to ask that until sometime after the party, if she goes. Try to be friends again first and see if it looks like she might still have feelings for you. If it seems like that right now, though, maybe she broke up with you for some other reason. I think you two should talk this out. Listen to her reasons for breaking up with you and show that you truly are listening and she'll be honest with you. There are a lot of reasons she could have broken up with you, whether she still likes you or not. Whatever happens, happens. If you get back together immediately and you get everything you want, awesome! If it takes time, be patient, and if it's not meant to be, there'll be another girl out there who's better for you (even if it doesn't seem like it right now). I do hope you find a way to work this out. And, remember, no matter what the out come, God is watching over you and He will provide what you need in the end. He brings you the person you are meant to be with when He knows you're ready. No worries

[PGHS-387]

I guess there's not much else to do than just wait and see how things play out.

In a way though I want the best for her...even if that isn't with me. I'm not saying I wouldn't like it if it was with me (because I would like that), but either way true love would let her go.

I'd love to sit down and actually talk about this but I'm assuming that might be best saved till later. Right now I think I'll just let things take their course, hopefully see her tomorrow at the Lock-In (it's a party thing where we just say up all night and play games, eat food and do everything that teenagers do).

I'm definitely not throwing in the towel and I'm definitely not closing any doors. I'd like to be with her, or at least have another chance at things, but if we get to talking and this is really what she wants I'll let her go....

[Elphie.QE.MDXXXIII]

Good call. You seem to have a handle on things here, very level-headed and genuine about your friendship. I hope everything goes well! God bless you always!

[PGHS-387]

I guess it appears like I do huh?
I never would have imagined this would happen. Sure, I'd thought about it a few times but I distinctly remember one conversation we had in which we talked about this very thing...to get to the point, it ended up being one of those "Hey, let's stop talking about this because it's making both of upset, ok?" conversations. I guess that's why I'm still trying to figure things out...I thought we were doing just fine. Sure we hadn't talked in a little while, but with family holiday parties and such it was hard. I tried calling her though, just to see how things were going and say hi, but everytime I kept getting voicemail. I guess I just assumed that she was busy and that she'd return my calls...well I guess she did.

That's what makes this so hard right now. Here I was thinking that everything was great...we got to spend a bit of Christmas together, exchanged gifts and "I love you's," we spent time on my birthday (it's also in December), and we were planning on spending New Years together. Then couple days of not talking, one 2 minute long phone call (that's all the longer it was...she answered my "hey love, how are you doing?" with a "we need to talk" told me what I'm sure you can figure out, and then "had to go") and now here I am.
All so so so sudden and I don't understand why.
Perhaps Christopher Columbus was wrong, maybe the world is flat after all....at least that would explain why I just fell right off the edge of mine.

I think somebody needs to tell me to just suck it up or something. Maybe that would help.
Who knows. I guess all I can do is wait and see how the next few hours/Lock In go.

[PGHS-387]

Well the Lock In honestly went worse than I was expecting. As was planned she brought some of her friends with her but apparently I'm no longer one of those. 12 hours of being kept in the same 2 rooms together (the main "gym" area and then the smaller side room) and she never said a single word to me, didn't look at me or anything...apparently I'm now a ghost . Before everyone was getting ready to go I asked to have a word with her in private which much to my surprise she agreed to....I figured that if I didn't ask in person I probably wouldn't get another chance through a phone call or anything else. Anyways, I asked her what she meant about the "too fast" reason to which I got a roll of her eyes and, "I already answered that once" before she walked away.

Kind of ironic though because after I got home and had a few hours (it was more like 5 or 6 hours) to sleep everything off I got a text message from her...not her phone, but it was her. She sent me a text message asking, "So are you willing to talk now?" I'm still not sure about that text because I was willing to talk earlier too but whatever.

We actually did get to talk though...well I got to talk, she did a lot of "listening" I suppose, but at least I got to let my position be known...now whether she listened to it or not I'm not sure but I at least hope she did.
Either way it basically boiled down to me saying what I felt, a long pause from her, and then a "So what now? Friends or not?" from her.
I said that I'd still like to be friends if she wanted to. That got me another long pause and then a "Ok, so that's the end of it. We are friends and nothing more got it?" And that's the last she's talked to me...

So I guess that's it, apparently we are "friends and nothing more."

[Elphie.QE.MDXXXIII]

I'm sorry. She proably felt really awkward with you there at the party. Apparently, she didn't want to talk to you there and she's making it very clear that she wants no romantic ties with you anymore. I'm sorry to say this, but you should leave it at that. If she doesn't want anything other than friendship with you, that's her choice and there's nothing you can do about except go with what she wants. I feel for you, and I just want to make it clear that with romance, you have to be patient. Maybe God feels like you aren't ready yet, but you will meet someone better than her. Focus on other things rather than this girl. A lot of times, a person can improve as a boyfriend or girlfriend if they spend some time on their own, and it usually comes to those who aren't pursuing it

[PGHS-387]

Yea, moving on and upward I guess.

Oh well, heartbreak only makes you stronger right? I hope so.

[PGHS-387]

Ok so I really hate to bring this up again but this has been bothering me all along and I think it will probably continue to bother me until I get some kind of answer.

A bit of background here:
The first time a relationship was brought up between both of us she seemed really for the idea. I was a bit slower to get into things but she seemed really for us being a "couple" and us having the chance to date. Anyways I one time mentioned the idea of me asking her parents if we could date. Not sure why I thought of that...guess it seemed like the proper thing to do, the nice way to officially be "dating" I guess idk...well anyways I mentioned it just once and she immediately jumped on the idea. I was kind of putting it off for a while (it was like a week) until one day she literally pushed me up to her parents and then continued with "we have something that we'd like to say." Granted I did most of the talking after her opening line, but it wasn't like I was the only one doing the talking. They agreed though and I thought she was going to explode or something...I'd never seen her happier.
Well anyways, the day when she called me and told me that we were done she mentioned the reason as being that "it was too fast and she can't be rushed into things" additionally, "she wasn't really looking for a relationship when we met, she just wanted to make a new friend."
My question(s) is/are that if all she wanted was a friend then why in the world was she so eager to have us be "officially" dating that she pushed me over to her parents for me to ask them? If she didn't want a relationship then why did she do that? I only that once mentioned the idea of us dating...it never felt to me like I was doing any of the "rushing." That and she was the one who kissed me the first (and second and even the third and final) time. I want to make it clear that I did participate after she started (I did kiss her back...I did participate that much) but each and every time she was the one who first started it. Now I know the guy is supposed to kiss the girl yadda yadda yadda, but if she didn't want a relationship then why was she the one kissing me?

I know it's not going to do me one ounce of good to keep going back like this but this is one of those things that I just can't seem to wrap my mind around and I feel like it's going to drive me crazy until I can.

By the way, I have tried talking to her a few times since the breakup (only 3 times actually....2 by phone and 1 in person at the Lock In) in an effort to ask her these same questions but she hasn't even talked to me (except for the few words at the Lock In).
I guess some kind of acknowledgement that I'm still a living being would be nice.

[Helpingothers]

This girl was not worth u ! M sry 2 say it ! She shouldn't have kissed u if she didn't want a relationship n definitely not pulled u 2 her parents ! She probably did all of this as sme kind of way 2 find someone but she probably didnt want 2 really have a relationship she probably just wanted a fling m sorry 2 put it so bluntly ! Dis girl wasn't worth a sweet n caring guy lyk u ! I hope n pray dat u find a special girl who loves u forever !! God bless u !!:) m always der if u want help I don't gv d best advice I no dat n m sry if I hurt u by my advice in any form