I don't deserve to feel this way.

[yam]

Not as in, "I'm too good/superior to feel this way," but "I have no reason to feel this way; there are so many other people who have it worse than I do, so my suicidal thoughts are irrelevant."

I just...I have such a good life. Great grades, friends, etc. I'm not bullied. I don't have any reason to feel this way, which only makes me feel worse.
I'm just so terrified of the future (current high school senior), and if I don't get into my top college, I don't know if I'll get to college. I don't see the point in life anymore. I don't think I can make it past the summer.
I used to write and create art all the time. Now I'm just...a worthless piece of shit. Things don't interest me anymore, and I just feel so...worthless.
I just feel like such a f*** loser, there's no other alternative for me. I'm just going to amount to nothing.

Give me a hand; how do I pull myself out of this? Because, really, I don't want to die, in the long run (ha, long run)...I just can't pull myself out.
Also, please, may I request no religion-related advice? I'm agnostic, and was never raised with religion, and I don't feel the need for it in my life. I don't need faith in some other being.

[Elphie.QE.MDXXXIII]

Hmm...Well, first of all I want to say I was going to post my usual stuff as I was reading, but then I read the bottom. I want to say thank you for being respectful about it and not laughing at my beliefs. However, if you don't want religious advice and you're sure that you don't need faith in another being, I would suggest not saying you're agnostic, and just go with atheist. Agnostic means you're not sure; atheist means you're definite. Fortunately, I can work both ways, God-related or otherwise.

Now, with your problem. Easy enough, you're depressed. Any non-doctor can tell you that. Rest assured that depression is a temorary ailment. How long "temporary" is, though, is the problem with it. Could be days, months, years... G-d (sorry, just joshin' ya!) only knows. Not to make this about me, but I've had it last anywhere from just an hour to about a year. So, yeah, just to give you an idea...

How long have you been experiencing this hopelessness?
Did it start in your teen years or younger?
Did it start only when you realized how soon high school will end or has it been a periodic-type thing? Or are other issues (even minor problems that you may not think are problems) going on concurently?

Answer me these and maybe I can give you some idea as to what your problem may be and better help you solve it. To encourage you a bit, depression is usually found in the most brilliant, creative people. Unfortunately, I've not found a way to "pull out" of depression like magic. But, somethings I've found that lift me up during depression, though, are:
-relatable music (I like Emilie Autumn's "What If", "Misery Loves Company", "Shalott". Really, any of her music is good.)
-really funny stuff (read the blog Hyperbole and a Half, watch hilarious cartoons or other shows)
-and getting in touch with your childhood (watching "The Little Mermaid" or "Toy Story", looking through pictures of your childhood).

Hopefully, that'll be of some assistance to you. Anything else you may want to know, I'll be happy to help you with.

[yam]

Thank you for replying!
Also, I apologize for sounding really bitter with that last sentence. I am truthfully agnostic; I was clearly in a very, very poor mood when I wrote that. But, thank you for understanding!

Ha, thank you for your humor! (: And, also for your input. Now it is really erratic; today is a good day, obviously.


How long have you been experiencing this hopelessness? Well, the true hopelessness really started in January of this year (lasting until mid-March; during this interval I cut for the first time) with stress from school, and then it faded away until early August, when school started up again. It fluctuated, but...From November to now has been truly agonizing. So, two months (sorry that explanation took so long), now.
Did it start in teen years or younger? The first time I really contemplated suicide, I was 14. I was about to do it; pulled myself out that time. I really started to constantly think about it since September of this year (17 years old).
Did it start only when you realized how soon high school will end or has it been a periodic-type thing? Or are other issues (even minor problems that you may not think are problems) going on concurently? I've always been a very anxious person, and had some breakdowns throughout sophomore year, and it was usually caused by school stress (in May, during exams). This intense Anxiety kicked in around this past Spring, when I actually started to think about college...and then again as school started, which was the worst it had ever been (felt sick to my stomach, was shaky, nervous, didn't sleep).
Then, just stress throughout this school year has really done me in. Most of my anxiety/hopelessness/depression stems from college applications, so I'm HOPING that once applications are done, my condition will greatly improve. And, clearly, I have really good days, and really bad days....

Thank you for the recommendations! "Hyperbole and a Half" is definitely something I find funny, even on the worst days.

Thanks so much for replying.
Also, a question: were you diagnosed with depression by a doctor? (Regardless of the answer, your advice is still important and valuable.) I'm just interested in any sort of treatments/therapy I could find if my condition doesn't get better....preferably something I could find on my own, since I haven't talked to my parents about any of this.

[Elphie.QE.MDXXXIII]

I wasn't diagnosed, but I have had every symptom except one that qualifies as severe and my regular doctor set up an appointment to see a therapist. Also, the fact that my first time contemplating suicide was 5 or 6 pretty much points to it. XD Sorry, but I have to laugh at myself sometimes when I'm being brutally honest. I hadn't been to the doctor much before on account of financial problems and we only recently got better health coverage, so I haven't been diagnosed with much of anything.

Either way, depression is pretty easy to spot. Most people have it to some extent, and it seems most peoples' depression stems from anxiety or guilt. I think that's why a lot of people with very demanding jobs, high-earning or low-earning, have it. Anyway, like most people, yours seems to be due to stress and anxiety. It peaks when you have more reason to feel stress, like exams and college admissions stuff, which is a very common thing in high school students, especially ones who are used to doing well in school. My take on this: don't worry too much about all this. What a college really looks for in a student is a willingness to learn and potential to thrive in academics. At least, that's what I've heard; that's why they have you do those essays.

Anyway, I know there are several hotlines that will help you with depression. Although, face-to-face is usually better. There is site called samaritans.com which will help you with stress, depression and any other mental health problems you have. I recently found the site, so I don't know much about it, and it's headquarters is in Ireland, but they have places in other countries. As for getting an actual therapist to talk face-to-face, you would need a referral from your pediatrician (I'm assuming that's what you have). But I do think you should tell your parents. After all, they are a big part of your life so open and honest communication with them now will only improve your relationship for the future. Unless they're abusive to you, there shouldn't be a serious problem with talking to them about it. It's better that they know what you are going through than to be oblivious. Now, every parent reacts differently to finding out their child is depressed; some parents freak out, some will be over-bearing, and in some families (like mine), depression is common and they may know what you're going through so it's a bit easier. But as long as you stay calm and explain fully yet articulately how you are feeling, they should stay calm too.