I Wanted To Give Up. For Good.

[Hemi_Emma]

Last night I was bad. I felt completely numbed. I felt nothing. So I took a few extra anxiety pills. And then a few more. But I still felt numbed. Nothing, no feeling at all. So I cut. But it didn't do enough for me. So I cut more. Over the same cuts I cut again, and made them bigger and deeper. I let the blood drip down onto a towel I put on the floor untill the towel was soaked. Then I did it again. And I bled even more. I wanted to cut more and more and more, untill I bled out entirely and was gone forever. What's the point? I'm a failure anyway. Failing three classes because I don't have the ambition to do the work. Friends don't care, they all ignore me when I try to talk to them about all this. Plus they ditch me to hang out with their boyfriends/girlfriends. The family would just be angry if I told them. They would just think I was even more of a failure. They already think I am a failure because I can't live up to their expectations. I just want to cut and bleed and die. I just want to give up.

[Coward_N_Fake]

I have cut before, but not as badly as you are talking about. Instinctively I want to say dont do it, it its bad for you, yada yada yada. And it is, but that wont help why you do it. What I try to do when I fell like im about to self harm is distract myself from my current situation just long enough to calm down. Try reading, drawing, go for a walk outside. (if you live in the city, that may not be safe) Go lay in the back yard. It sounds kinda lame or stupid, but it may help. Also talk to an adult when you are ready, id hate for you to loose any function in your arm, leg, wherever you cut.

I don't blame you for not having the ambition to do the work, when you are depressed you don't want to do anything. I understand the feeling. Do you have one close friend to talk to. They may not agree or understand you, but it may be good to at least talk to someone in person. I hate doint it, but it helps to just breakdown to someone, they usually don't know what to say, but human compassion will make them want to help. If they are mean to you, then move one, they probably have problems that prevent them from being able to care about anyone.

Im going to P.M you my email, that way we can talk and hopefully help each other through things.

[Hemi_Emma]

I usually write down everything in a journal, and that helps a little. I don't cut super often, like once or twice a week, but lately it's gotten pretty bad.

I really don't have the ambition or energy to do anything so I just go to sleep as soon as I get home from school, but then my parents call me lazy, worthless, stupid, etc.

And my "friends" won't listen. I try talking to them almost everyday, to the point where i have to shove my cuts in their face just for them to see what I'm dealing with. And they always tell me they're there for me, but when I try to talk to them they either ignore it, change the subject or tell me it's too hard for them to deal with.

Thank you.

Emma