I don't know what I should do...

[sweandi]

Hi,

I'm actually in college but my dad has abused me since I was young. Yelling, beating, stepping on me, saying he'll kill me. My mom just blamed me, laughed even. Even when I was sick, they didn't care. After the last threat I left home and told my school. They found me a place to stay and I'm still in school. I thought I'd be fine if I was just away from him but I don't know anymore. I just can't forget it. If I wanted to I guess I could talk to counselors here. But it's just too hard. It's too hard to talk to someone face to face. I told some of my friends and they just don't get it. "But they're your family," they say. But they don't know what it's like to spend their childhood being scared to go home at night. I thought if I didn't tell I'd have a normal life like any other kid. But now I realize how wrong that was. I'm nothing like everyone else. Working two jobs and going to school but I'm miserable. People just see me as quiet or shy, laughable even, and that doesn't make it any easier.

Every conversation, every class, every day is getting to be too hard. I can't be friends with anyone and it's hard to even trust the friends I have. I used to want to be alone because alone was safe, but I can't protect myself from my own thoughts. I keep thinking about killing myself but I wish I didn't have to give up that way. I almost died in an accident two years ago but worked past surgery. What the use if I give up now? But I probably won't be able to graduate college or get a decent job. What's the point? I used to throw myself into school work so I could feel better. As long as I get the right grade...But I don't think I even care anymore.

For any of you that are still kids going through the same thing, please get help soon. Don't wait till you're older. It only gets harder the more you put up with it and the more you hide it. I know it's hard at first but you'll be amazed by how much complete strangers would help you. I just wish I had spoken out sooner so I wouldn't have such a hard time now.

[Helpingothers]

Yur really strong yur giving ppl advice n telling yur story so dat dey don't make d same mistakes n I admire dat ! It's not easy 2 talk abt yur past but yur strong n yur doing it dats a gr8 taright

[hurting-one]

But...but.....what if it is too late? u cant cry anymore, u cant feel love, and all u wanna do is die? i'v bottled/hidden everything inside and i'm scared to let it out it's 13 years of bottled up pain,guilt,blame,hate,fear,lonlyness, how/where do u start?

[Alex Tabat]

@sweandi - it's definitely hard to give advice to younger kids when you're going through a hard time yourself...props to you.
You are no less deserving than them though - it's not too late for you.
It's taken me almost a full 20 years to even smile...Iv'e been "dead" most my life...
It's hard to get over the past and allow yourself to move on...too hard.
I think you have a pretty good approach right in front of you --- You like helping people.
Use the crap that you have been through to help others going through similar things.
You know how it felt. You know how it should have been dealt with. We need you.
At the same time, never stop finding what makes you happy, and grabbing onto it!
Repeated-*You are no less deserving. And the better you get , the more you can help.
Feel free to talk anytime. I can relate to whee you are holding....it sucks, but will be better.

@hurting-one - If you did just read the above, you'll notice that I have been going through almost a full 20 years of bottled-up, etc...like you write. It finally is easing.
You don't have to wait that long. 13 years is too long as it is. It's time to let it out now.
The best way is to have someone in person - usually a counselor who cares. Even if you haven't had success with one yet - never stop looking...I only just found one now.
Also, as with sweandi, you can always message me. Keep strong, you're not alone.