I've lost the trust of the only person who matters.

[LicianDragon]

I'm 21 and I've battled depression since I was 10. It's been 6 years since I was a cutter though...until last night. Things were just getting worse and worse for no damn reason and before I really knew what I was doing; I'd taken a thumbtack to my arm. When my fiance and I got together 5 and half years ago he'd made me promise I would never hurt myself. I had to tell him though. The first thing he said was ask what he'd been doing wrong. Why hadn't I called him? All I could do was plead with him that it wasn't his fault, but I couldn't give a reason for why I didn't call him. I don't know why. I don't why I feel so depressed all the time. Now he's saying all my other promises, those of loyalty, and of not to kill myself, are pretty much shit now. Just hearing the disappointment and hurt in his voice was worse then anything I could imagine. I asked him if I could still spend the rest of my life with him and he said that to was a promise, but my promises don't seem to mean the same thing anymore.
He's more then my fiance he's my best friend. He saved my life when my depression was at it's worse. I know I would have killed myself had I never met him. He's the most important person in my life, the only person I can ever really talk to, and I've lost his trust. I don't know if I can ever get it back. We're still together and we're still getting married, but I haven't felt this alone since before we got together. I feel worse then ever now and it's all my fault. You always hear how it's so terrible to hide your cuts from your friends and family. Yes, I know the best thing would have been to not do it at all but I can't change that now. Lying to him would have been worse, but how the hell could this be the better option?

[SoWaTiFiMdIfFeReNt]

Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like memories from the past came flooding back so you handled it the way you did in the past. You were having problems and couldn't think straight. You were weak so you did a weak thing. I know exactly what your going through. You need too sit down with your fiance and try to figure out why you did what you did and maybe try to express your feelings. Maybe try counseling? Alone and with eachother. Explain how much he measn to you and tell him that you'll never do it again and that you will do whatever it takes to keep him. I really hope I helped. Tell me how it works out. Good luck. Whatever happens is for the best and it will work out in the end. God Bless You.
~SoWaTiFiMdIfFeReNt