they want to lock me up

[pretendyourealive]

my mom read my journal

which contained detailed suicide plans

(everything from the date to the method to making sure that one of my siblings wouldn't find my body.)

not to mention
detailed entries
talking about my girlfriend
and angsting about being a dyke
when mom does not approve of that stuff.

my therapist proceeded to read the journal and is "concerned about my safety"
they want me to go to a psychiatric hospital
they want to shove medication down my throat
they "will be forced to act" if i'm cutting myself or having more suicidal ideation
so i lie.

i cut the shit out of my legs and wrap a rope around my throat and think about dying and then tell him nope, nope, i'm dandy, i'm fine, i'm not thinking about death at all. because the alternative is a lovely psych ward

and
i'd
rather
die
so
f***
that.

brb killing myself.

[epicreader16]

No offense, but why do you want to die so badly?

Life can get better, it may not seem like it but it can.
Are you sure you want to die? What if your plan is not full proof? What if one of your siblings finds you? They care about you and your girlfriend does right...so killing yourself is what you decided to do, but why? You really shouldnt do it?

And no offense, but going to a psychiatric hospital may be just what you need to help you deal with the problems that you are dealing with...though im not sure...

Are you sure killing yourself is the answer, because I dnt think it is?

Well if you want to talk feel free to pm me...life can get better (I hope you decide against killing yourself)

[pretendyourealive]

because it makes sense.

i don't have the motivation to write out all of my reasoning here but believe me, i've considered it logically. this isn't some spur-of-the-moment omgz wangsty teen decision. i have had suicidal ideation since i was eleven.

and hahahahahaha f*** no a psychiatric hospital is the last thing i need.

whatever i'm probably not even going to make it through the week so it doesn't matter.

[epicreader16]

because it makes sense.

How is this so? I mean i know life is hard and depression its tough, but there has to be something to hold you to the earth like a family member, a friend, or something.

i don't have the motivation to write out all of my reasoning here but believe me, i've considered it logically. this isn't some spur-of-the-moment omgz wangsty teen decision. i have had suicidal ideation since i was eleven.

Its sad to hear that you have been depressed for that long, but if you really think about it do u seriously think that no one cares or will care about you? I didnt figure it was a as you say wangsty teen decision.

and hahahahahaha f*** no a psychiatric hospital is the last thing i need.

Are you sure that one wouldnt help you, if you stayed a while. They could possibly help you get over your depression and give you means of coping with your depression and someone to talk to about your suicidal tendencies.

whatever i'm probably not even going to make it through the week so it doesn't matter.

I hope that you make it through the week and you are able to get to past your suicidal behavior. Try to hold on.

[pretendyourealive]

NO.

f*** no.

f*** hell hahaha NO.

i'd rather die than have pills forced down my throat or stay in a locked room in a locked ward with people watching me to make sure i don't kill myself.

f*** no
i'd kill myself faster than you can say "die."

f*** no no no no no that is a really bad idea okay.

[epicreader16]

Well, I was trying to help...sry if it wasnt the best advice...i just think its best if you dont kill yourself...and you are prolly gonna need help to quell your suicidal behavior. I hope you dont kill yourself...but i dont know wat to say other than...as you get older things can change...you can move away from the problem potentially...and your loved ones would miss you...if you do it and a loved one finds you then think of how that would hurt them.

You seem set on killing yourself, but are you really sure its the answer?... well im sry to hear that you still wanna kill yourself...just hang on and try to find things that make you happy

[a7734]

I've been to one of thoses places your talking about... Although mine was referred to as a "rehab center for self injury". It helped soooo much. There was no medication involved at the place i went to. I had OD'd the day before. But it hadnt worked. So my parents forced me there. I only stayed for a 3 day hold. But it gave me some time to think about things. There were other teens there my age. Going through waaaaay worse things than i was. It was crazy to realize the things that people go through. Their stories were heartbreaking. It made me compare my life to theirs... I felt stupid for trying to kill my self.
I'm glad it didn't work. But the place that i went to really did save my life. Its been 4 months since i got out of there. I think about it every single day. Whenever i feel depressed i think about how others have it worse... Consider the hospital... Thats all i'm saying. It really makes a difference.