It sounds like you're feeling pretty conflicted and confused. It seems like you're very concerned about the possibility that you may have an eating disorder, and I am also concerned for you. I think seeing a doctor could be a really good idea. I strongly encourage you to call the National Eating Disorder Association. Their phone number is (800) 931 2237. They are open 8:30AM-4:30PM PST every day. They can talk your feelings through with you more thoroughly. I also think it'd be good if you called us here at TEEN LINE. Our phone number is (800) 852 8336 in California and (310) 855 4673 everywhere else.